Choked

  Hazel Kelly

  © 2014 Hazel Kelly

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted, copied, or stored in any form or by any means without permission of the Author. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.

  All characters in this story are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons is purely coincidental.

  “Thy Kingdom come; Thy will be done”

  Prologue

  They say if you love something, let it go, and if it comes back to you then it’s really yours. Well I had done that with Kirk. But after I gave him space, I thought he would come around a lot sooner.

  When I realized I was pregnant, I was completely rattled. But as soon as the reality of how my life was about to change dawned on me, I was ecstatic.

  I knew I would be a good mom. I’m a natural care giver. And it didn’t matter how little I knew about babies. I’ve heard nothing can prepare you for becoming a mother anyway.

  The important thing was that the baby was conceived in love. Kirk and I’s relationship was full of passion, vulnerability, and understanding. I had no doubt he would be a wonderful father.

  I was convinced he’d want to start pampering me and our unborn miracle from the moment I told him the good news.

  It never occurred to me that he would be upset, that he might feel I’d “trapped” him. After all, I knew better than to make the mistake of trying to cage our wild love.

  And it’s his fault everything got so complicated. All he had to do was leave his wife so she wouldn’t be a thorn in our side going forward. If he had just been a man, I would never have had to take things so far.

  But that’s the other thing they always say, isn’t it? If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

  Julianna

  Julianna tucked the shopping bag under her feet and rested her back against the park bench. She watched as a dozen kids chased each other around the playground, took turns running up the slide, struggled to get across the monkey bars, and turned green on the metal merry-go-round.

  She knew she was going to have to change a few things if she was going to pull off having one of those little sparklers. No more Bloody Mary mornings, no more social smoking, and definitely no more joints when she visited Heather in New York. Not until after the baby came anyway.

  At least, she wouldn’t have to give up her favorite vice, sex, which was fortunate. After all, as soon as Kirk found out about the baby, he would probably jump her and kiss her all over, refusing to dismount until her due date.

  She was relieved that she wouldn’t have to meet him in secret anymore. And he would probably agree that it only made sense for them to get a place together.

  She couldn’t wait to show him all the toys she had. He had no clue how extensive her collection of role playing outfits and gags and cuffs and other assorted gadgets was. She could just imagine how excited he’d be. Of course, some of those would have to wait until after the baby came.

  Getting tied up wasn’t exactly turning her on lately. Dick slapping she was up for, but no whips or chains. Nipple tassels sure, but vibrating nipple clamps no. After all, she was planning on breastfeeding and she expected her nipples would be sore enough from that.

  She was getting so excited just thinking about it, it was becoming increasingly difficult to contain herself. For a while, she liked having it as her little secret, but at this point, she was just bursting to tell someone. And it was only right that he be the first to know. And then they could tell each other’s parents together.

  One of the older moms on the playground took a seat beside Julianna on the park bench.

  “Which one’s yours?” Julianna asked, smiling at the rowdy kids.

  “Hey- no throwing woodchips!” the woman yelled at an excited little boy with a handful of chips poised for a wind up. She lifted her butt off the bench just enough to seem threatening, and the boy’s face dropped along with the chips from his hand. “That one,” she said, speaking to Julianna again, “and the girl with the matching jacket over there.” She pointed at a girl who was burying her doll in woodchips on the other side of the playground.

  “Cute.”

  The woman rolled her eyes. “Please tell me yours isn’t the one my kid’s been chucking woodchips at.”

  Julianna smiled. “No.” She put her hand on her belly. “Mine’s not here yet.”

  The woman looked at Julianna’s hand. “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Your first?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Boy or girl?”

  Julianna shrugged. “I don’t know yet.”

  “As long as it’s healthy, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  The woman smiled and turned back towards the playground.

  “I actually just bought my first baby clothes,” Julianna said, reaching under the bench. She pulled a tiny onesie out and held it up for the woman to see.

  “White, huh? Aren’t you the optimist?”

  Julianna frowned. “I hadn’t really thought about that.” Truthfully, she just liked it because it was the same velour fabric as the Juicy pants she wore all the time and she thought it would be soft against the baby’s skin.

  “I’m just teasing you. It’s lovely.”

  “Thanks.”

  “OxiClean though.” She nodded at the onesie. “Unless you think you’ll like it in brown.”

  Julianna crinkled her nose. “Thanks for the tip.” She rolled it up and put it back in the bag.

  “You live around here?” the woman asked.

  “Not yet. I have one more semester of grad school left, and then I’m going to apply for a teaching position at Amery.”

  “Good school.”

  “Yeah. I went there for undergrad, so I’m hoping that works in my favor.”

  The woman scanned the playground like a lifeguard, never taking her eyes completely off her kids.

  “And the baby’s father works there so it would be really convenient if it works out.”

  The woman smiled and shook her head at the ground.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. You just sound so happy. Reminds me of the first time I got pregnant.”

  Julianna tilted her head.

  “Before I realized that no amount of planning or good luck could prevent the years of inconvenience I had ahead of me.”

  This woman’s negative attitude was starting to grate on Julianna’s nerves. She clearly couldn’t even pluck her eyebrows adequately, no wonder she felt like such a helpless mother.

  “The sooner you decide to just go with the flow- bodily fluids included- the better.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” Julianna felt like the bench was a seat in a plane that was falling out of the sky. “Is there anything else that surprised you? You know, that you found out you were wrong about when you had your first baby?”

  The woman turned to face her. “I’m sorry. Am I upsetting you?”

  “No.”

  “I really shouldn’t be so negative. You’re obviously excited.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “I just assume your friends and family are sugarcoating everything, and you deserve to have someone tell you the truth.”

  “No, really. I appreciate it.”

  The woman looked at her watch and then up at the sky. “Okay. Three pieces of advice and then I have to be supermom and get the kids to two different places at once.”

  Julianna sat at attention.

  “First of all, take the epidural. Don’t be a hero.”

  Julianna nodded.

  “The last thing you want is for your kids to come into the world with you resenting them because they caused you so much pain.”

  “Okay.”

  “Secondly, bring socks to the hospital. Nobody tells you that, but you’ll be freezing.”

  “Socks?”

  “Yeah. Everyone tells you to get your toes painted really nice because it’s the first time you’ll see them in so long, but save yourself the time and energy and get yourself a nice thick pair of socks.”

  “Will do.”

  “And finally, don’t expect the baby to bring you closer to your husband. It doesn’t work like that. Not for years, not until you both feel like the kid’s turned out okay. Which is something you’re bound to disagree on.”

  “Yikes.”

  “I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. Don’t get me wrong, a baby is a blessing, of course, but it can feel like a curse when you aren’t both in it together. And your husband will need time to adjust to the fact that you love someone else.”

  Julianna raised her eyebrows.

  “Seriously, my husband acted like a jealous child until the kids could walk. I’m not saying yours will be the same, but don’t expect him to do anything at all to help. That’s the only way he’s going to exceed your expectations.”

  Julianna bit her lip.

  “You’ll see.” The woman stood up. “There’s a reason men can’t give birth on their own.”

  “Thanks?”

  “No problem.” The woman started to walk away. “Oh, and nice to meet you. Welcome to the neighborhood.”

  Julianna collapsed against the back of the bench. Then she watched the woman wrestle her kids towards her minivan and prayed that pregnancy wouldn’t make her a raving bipolar nightmare, too.

  Kirk

  Kirk dragged the paint roller through the tray until it was coated with the light lavender-blue color that

Madeline chose for the nursery. He had three walls down, one wall to go, and then it would be finished.

  At first, Madeline didn’t want to go to any extra trouble because of the miscarriage, and Kirk respected her wanting to keep it a secret for a while until she was comfortable telling close friends and family.

  But eventually he convinced her that the baby would know if they were going to some extra trouble for it. He suggested it might be more excited to come out if it knew there was a lot to look forward to. Like its new room, its new clothes, and the lifetimes’ supply of edge and corner guards they had for what seemed like every table, every book, every square picture frame, and every cereal box.

  Sure it was overkill, but she was happy. And when Madeline was happy, Kirk was happy. He felt grateful every day that he had come out the other side of the affair with Julianna with his marriage unscathed. He loved Madeline more than ever, Julianna was long gone back to Emhurst to finish her graduate degree, and their life was back on track like nothing had ever happened.

  Of course, he hadn’t tried half of the things he did with Julianna with Madeline yet and he probably never would, but that didn’t matter. His basic needs were still being met, and it was only the most fleeting instance when he would have a flashback of Julianna sucking him off or her breast in his hand or his dick disappearing into her as he did her from behind. And those would fade away in time. They were already becoming far less frequent, and it had only been a few months.

  The only time he really felt guilty was when he had moments where he didn’t regret it, moments when he felt like he was entitled to get that raunchy sex out of his system so he could be a better husband to his wife. Because he knew that wasn’t true. There was nothing right about what he did. In fact, he figured the only reason he’d gotten away with it was because he must have done something good in a past life.

  Whatever the reason, he didn’t want to overthink it. He just wanted to focus on enjoying every blessing, every day, as it came.

  As he squatted low to bring the roller all the way to the ground, he heard the door slam downstairs followed by the sound of keys sliding across the entryway table.

  “Honey?”

  “I’m upstairs.”

  He put the roller down and walked to the landing. “I see you stopped by your parents shop?”

  “I know!” Madeline held up two second hand baby gates. “How lucky is that?”

  “At least they’re useful.”

  Madeline rolled her eyes. “Does that mean you haven’t come around to the Care Bears nightlight yet?”

  “It doesn’t even work!”

  “Yeah, but it’ll work until we get one that works.”

  “Don’t make me say it again.”

  “I do not have pregnancy brain!” she said, heading up the stairs. She waved a letter in the air. “This came for you while I was out.”

  “That can wait. Did the doctor give you any news?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He greeted her with a peck on the lips. “About the sex of the baby?”

  “I thought we didn’t want to know?”

  “Well, yeah. That’s what we agreed, but I thought you would change your mind at the last second for sure.”

  “Sorry to disappoint. I guess I’m not as flaky as you thought.”

  Kirk’s shoulders dropped. “I’m so sick of looking at everything through gender neutral lenses. I just want to know.”

  “Tough.”

  “Nothing else to report then?”

  “Nope. I’m healthy. The baby’s healthy. Everything seems fine.”

  “I guess that’s the most important thing.”

  Madeline poked him in the chest. “That’s absolutely right!”

  Kirk groaned.

  Madeline shoved the letter at him. “C’mon, open it. It looks official.”

  Kirk looked down at his lilac hands. “I’ve got paint on me. You go ahead and open it.”

  Madeline wiggled her tiny finger underneath the envelope’s sealed edge and pried it open. “It’s from the N.A.A.S?”

  Kirk’s eyebrows went up.

  Madeline kept reading. “The National Association of Addiction Studies.”

  Kirk gestured with his hand for her to hurry up.

  “Dear Professor Jenkins, blah blah blah.”

  “Read it!”

  Madeline laughed. “You’ll never let me open your mail again.”

  “C’mon!”

  “Dear Professor Jenkins, We have reviewed the results of your study following its publication in the American Psychological Society’s esteemed addiction newsletter, The Fix. We would like to invite you to speak at a meeting of our board of directors to be held on March 5th. The purpose of this meeting is to discuss whether it is in the Association’s best interest to partner with the International Society of Addiction Medicine and repeat the study on a global scale.”

  “Holy shit!”

  “Kirk, honey.”

  “Sorry.”

  “This sounds like a good thing.”

  Kirk jumped up and down. “This is so much more than I ever could have hoped for!”

  “You deserve it. You’ve been working so hard.”

  “But this is the big time!” He waved his hands excitedly. “This isn’t just a big deal for me. It’ll bring major recognition to the university. I’ll probably get a raise. They’ll probably erect a freaking statue in my honor and put it in front of the psychology building.” He began pacing the floor.

  Madeline stepped back to give him space.

  “I’ll have to prepare a speech. And if it’s good enough and they go forward with the additional funding – do you realize how many people this could help? If we do my study with Addiction Medicine on board? I mean-“

  “Calm down, honey.” Madeline put a hand on Kirk’s shoulder. “Stop and take a breath.”

  “I have to call Paul! I wonder if he knows?! He probably does, but maybe he doesn’t.”

  “Kirk, relax. You’re stressing me out.”

  Kirk’s face dropped. He turned to her suddenly and lowered his voice. “I’m sorry.”

  “Maybe you should do some of my Lamaze breathing.”

  Kirk smiled. “This is just one more thing that’s going right for us, honey.” He went to put her hand on her belly.

  “Don’t even think about it.” She grabbed his wrist. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to find cute maternity clothes in a second hand shop? You get paint on this, I’ll kill you.”

  Kirk jumped back. “All I was saying is that this little baby is like a lucky charm.” Then he started singing. “Ain’t no one gonna breaka my stride- Ain’t no one gonna hold me down.”

  “You’re a maniac. You know that?” Madeline put a hand to her shaking forehead as he danced across the landing. “You’re going to be the most embarrassing dad ever!”

  Kirk scooted backwards into the nursery. “Isn’t it great?! I’ve been practicing my whole life for this!”

  Madeline called after him. “Do you think a takeaway pizza might calm you down? I’m starving.”

  Kirk popped his head back into the hallway. “It’s worth a try.”

  Kirk spun back across the room and dipped the roller in the paint, wondering where he would be without Madeline.

  He didn’t know. And he didn’t want to know.

  Julianna

  Julianna flipped her hair over her shoulders and took a deep breath. She was so anxious she felt like she was covered in ants. She steadied her hand just long enough to knock on the door.

  “Come in.”

  She pushed the door open and stuck her head in.

  Kirk jumped up when he saw her, knocking his coffee all over his desk. “Fuck!” He patted down his pockets looking for something to mop up the spill before he started picking the dripping papers off his desk and shaking them off.

  Julianna pulled a package of tissues out of her purse and handed them to him.

  “Thank you,” he said, snatching them from her. He tore the plastic open, spread the tissues out on the desk, and banged his fist down beside the spill.

  “Is this a bad time?”

  He leaned one arm on the desk and looked at her. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to see you.”

 

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